So, Is Everything Forgivable?
Forgiveness.
With Dr.Ira Gelman
It’s not sadness. It’s not anger. It’s a lack of forgetting. It’s the fact that time can't change how wrong and shallow their actions were. It’s the fact that they would do it again and probably have. It’s the fact that they don’t deserve to feel like they got away with it. It’s the way I can still feel the emotions they inflicted on me, months after what they’ve done. So if you can’t tell by now, no, I don’t think everything is forgivable.
Now I know what you may be thinking, perhaps this is a pessimistic view, maybe I'm biased or just too opinionated…so I figured I would get a professional's take. Earlier this month, I met with Dr.Ira Gelman who graduated from Temple University with his doctorate in 2014.
Upon my initial question, is everything forgivable, Dr.Gelman said, “HELL no, certain things are so severe, they can not be forgiven.” Glad we were on the same page. So how do we draw this line between forgivable and not, what are the deciding factors of letting go? After some discussion, we came up with two pretty general criteria in order for something to be truly unforgivable.
1. Was their intention to hurt?
2. Were they aware of what they were doing?
Now something to keep in mind is, people lie, so you need to trust your gut when assessing these situations. For instance, not one cheater is going to admit they had the intention of hurting you, but I'll be damned before taking their word for it.
The next question I had for Dr.Gelman was, is it better for our mental health to forgive people? This question was definitely a loaded one. In response, Gelman said “It is not healthier. It is not healthier to fall back. What we must do is begin the process of moving on. Sometimes we may not be able to move on but leaving them behind assures us they won't do it again. This process is worth it.”
As the discussion furthered, Dr.Gelman brought things to my attention that I hadn't even thought about entering the session, such as forgiving OURSELVES and letting go of grudges for the greater good of OURSELVES. Gelman essentially stated that we don't have to be full of hate. We can give ourselves the gift of moving on while withholding our forgiveness from those who do not deserve the privilege. We can accept apologies without letting them back into our lives. We can forgive yet not forget.
Yet again I’ve found that most of the answers I seek in life, tell me to essentially listen to my gut as it tells me to do what's best for ME. We can normalize putting ourselves first and surrounding ourselves with people who choose not to hurt us. Surrounding ourselves with people that have our best intention in mind. Surrounding ourselves with people who are not going to do things that we need to question if we are capable of forgiving in the first place. Stop wasting your time on bums, let go. Remember, struggles are inevitable, but struggling in silence is not.
XoXo- Tara🤍
